I know where I’m going

You thought you were moving on but suddenly you feel like you’re the one left behind, and never will have time to fill the gaps that are here to stay, never get a chance to say what you want to say.

Thousands of twenty-four hours have passed away the way tides swell and retire; not here to stay, not here to stay, they seem to murmur to those who would listen.
And the darkness descends like curtains after a play; only the anticipated thunderous applause is exchanged for an ear-splitting silence.

Dead. Gone.

Nothing remains the same.

And you. You are the one left behind.

Those you knew and loved, speedily slip away from you like gentle ghostly mist floating into oblivion on a wintry day; they’re leaving, all of them and you are stupidly clinging to the pitiful little trinkets you keep that reminds you of them to find a solace for yourself.

Your shrivelled brain, filled with complicated innumerable theories and age old proven formulas, yet strangled with some dust framed memories of some previously loved pretty muse but you were moving on.

Or were you?

Weaving in and out of an insanely endless cyclical routine, it’s ridiculously easy to forget what you’re doing and why you’re doing what you’re doing.

The lines, where are the lines, you scream, as an agony deep in your soul firms its unmerciful enslaving grasp around your neck, stifling your breath and oh, it hurts.
Where are the lines that should you cross you would be deemed extreme. If only they were drawn with lead and graphite and washed with a coat of the blackest ink, and you would never cross that repulsive line.

You don’t want to be defined as extreme, do you?

And the whole mocking world now includes the ones who claim to walk the same walk with you, and they make you the championing fool. They seem to take a cruel delight in blurring all the lines for you with open, high, intellectual ‘non-judgmental’ talk, crafted with fake innocence to belittle you, and make you feel small and basically a nothing. The fact is, in the end, they make you think that they’re better than you.

If there ever was a living paradoxical flummox that would drive them, drive them up the wall, drive them crazy, they point at you and you’re that one.

Here I stand, the most miserable forgetful creature.
How dreadful to claim weakness as brother to my living and dishonor the Victory that reigns in me.

Redeeming Love called me from darkness into Light, and yet selfish pride and waves of bitterness engulfs me, filling me from the very depths of my chest, then over spilling and eagerly consuming, threatening to maliciously devour my entire being, to take me captive.

I look in the mirror and yes, I see how wretched I am.

I realize I don’t deserve the Lord’s lovingkindness, but He is so kind to me.
I thank and praise Him for loving me even when I rejected and despised His longsuffering towards me.

He is so, so good to me.

I am compelled by Love Himself and I must follow Him.

1 Peter 2:9-10 KJV
But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light: Which in time past were not a people, but are now the people of God: which had not obtained mercy, but now have obtained mercy.

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burning ashes

Skipped the last Saturday Series, apologies for that, but no one even noticed right LOL

Been really tired at heart cos life’s been nasty, it’s been a crazy ride this past weeks. >inserts quote: “It’s weird people compare life to a roller-coaster, because on a roller-coaster, the downhill parts are the most fun.” <
Can't say I enjoyed myself on the downhill parts but at least I found courage in my crazed state, to do things I have put off for along time cos I was afraid of doing them. Like getting the bangs haircut I've wondered for so long how I would look like with bangs.

Before haircut:

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with my beautiful sisters, Leandra, me and Allyson 😍

After haircut:

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still with my beautiful sisters 😂

//Hello world, this is a 17 year old me reliving my childhood haircut//

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Sigh. Growing up really changes you in so many ways you can’t even count them. And sometimes looking back breaks me, knowing how much I’ve gone through just to have today, some days I wonder if it’s even worth it.

>> All that borrows life from Thee is ever in Thy care.

Felt many disappointments in just a few weeks, but I’m sure there’s more meaning to life despite this drift from my expectations.

Strength will find you sooner than you ever thought it would.

// Head up, heart strong //

Hello November

“In Your Presence Is Fullness Of Joy.”

It’s been a month since my last post. time flies when you’re having fun. or not. Life hasn’t been as kind as it could be but well, this is life.

I’ve been really busy with school and a Bible Diploma course I’ve enrolled in and began in August Faith Bible Institute aka FBI. We’re about to complete my first sem in FBI and the 3 exams/tests have started, 1 of which we have already taken last week.
Re school, i’m headed to completing my J1 equivalent this year end and J2/ A levels hopefully by the end of next year. Seems like I have everything about my studies under control when in actual fact I don’t. I was faced with what seemed to me a major failure and oh well pretty much feel like a failure now.

November 5th was my dad’s birthday and 11th was my parent’s second decade of marriage. wished I had the means to make those 2 days an extra special one.

Nov 12th was school’s grad night, it was awhsum the quartet got together again, we sang His Robes For Mine and the day before the grad night, we learned our parts for another song, As The Deer. SuRPriSe me nothing, we did great. After grad night was over, we gathered together and suddenly there was a mass weeping. I mean it was justifiable, one of the girls was leaving the next day and we probably wouldn’t see her again soon. Then followed all the I’m gonna miss you Me too stay in touch okay forever friends don’t forget us be strong we love you and group hugs, wrong, much group hugs.

now. while most of the students school term is ending, I still have a lot of work to do. Ask me to describe how I am feeling this days in one word: Tired.

Okay. there’s so many things to be done, so many things going wrong, so many things that are so discouraging.

there’s no such thing as a separation between my family life and church life. No breaks, no breathers, no nothing. your reward is people leaving the church or people saying nasty stuff and I’m just here like okay, this is just great, won’t you guys just give me a break?!
Well it isn’t exactly true that the only reward is nasty things, I mean, there are people that encourage me in ways they don’t even know and I really appreciate those people. It’s just that sometimes the black spot on a white cloth is so easier to pick on then the rest of the clean cloth.
So when the moments come, when I am encouraged by so and so who has made known his or her desire to love and follow God, I take it to readjust my focus on the aim of my spiritual walk and the people around me with the same goal.
Constantly having to remind myself not to look at men, and look only to God.

to be honest, this feeling, it isn’t new. I’ve been through this before, and I know I’ll make it out cos there’s God.

 

on a more positive note, I had a great time at the #HomeTeamFestival2015 last Saturday

 having fun with the SCDF hats (some hansum random policeman)

 Your protector, My brother.    you may call me ma’am. (I think I actually got the mata look eh)
we’re stuck with each other forever

#5evasisters

Regional Student Convention 2015: Day 2

Tuesday was the busiest day of the RSC for me. I had 5 (supposed to be 6, but one was pushed to Wednesday because of the time squeeze) events lined up for the whole day. I got up early again to collect breakfast from the hotel lobby (this time breakfast was provided by the RSC). Queued for 20 minutes with Jan to collect 6 boxes of rice for breakfast. The portion was so small it could be finished in 6 scoops, though I must admit it tasted good. My first event of the RSC was on Tuesday and it began at 8am: piano solo. Supervisor and sponsor prayed with Jan and I who were both competing in piano solo before we made our way to the music room. (Sadly I didn’t win a placing in my piano solo event, the event that I so badly wanted to win in. I didn’t memorize my piece like the others did so points were deducted for not memorizing and it pulled me down) Next event was Bible bowl, followed by group bible speaking. Went to watch the one act play teams act their skits before going for my piano duet event. When it was over, Mark, another fellow student, walked a few of us to the stadium about 15 minutes walk away from the campus to compete in badminton. I crashed out after my first match. I was matched against last years champion. My opponent was older than me but she was super nice. To be honest, I really wanted to win at least one match in badminton and my opponent literally gave me chances; she lobbed the shuttlecock all the time, I should have smashed but I’m so short I had to always wait for the shuttle to drop down to my level and by the time it dropped down, my opponent was well and ready to save my flimsy smash. When it was over, we laughed, shook hands. {the defeat isn’t bitter when the opponent is worth your time}

 Chatted around before rushing back to campus to compete in a second round of bible bowl because our two school teams were tied. After that, it was about dinner time and I was pretty wiped out. the hazy air in KL made my eyes sting and gave me a throbbing headache. Moments before Jan, our supervisor, and I stepped out of our room, the room’s phone rang. I picked it up and Kat’s voice on the other end spilled out,”Joanna, where are you? You and Jan need to practice at the rally hall because you guys got the piano duet command performance!” I screamed into the phone in surprise, shock probably hurt Kat’s ears Command performances were only reserved for the first place winners and it meant getting to go on stage and perform the winning event. Jan and I didn’t even eat dinner, there was no time for dinner and the adrenaline was running so high we didn’t feel hungry till late after night rally. We made our way quickly to the rally hall and had a run through of the programme with the Reverend before practicing for abit. At the second rally night at awards presentation, I went up to collect my HLCS Piano Duet medal. It felt really good to have a first place medal dangling from my neck.

  
 Had an illegal late night supper after lights out because my stomach was eating me for not having anything during dinner time. Our supervisor and sponsor was rather fed up with coming out of their room every 10 minutes to tell us to lower our volume from speaking in case the dean of residences on the prowl would catch the 4 of us out of bed 😂 soon enough, there was a knock on the door. Jan coolly remained where she was while the panicky 3 of us jumped into the toilet and shut the door behind us wiTHOuT tUrNInG ON THe LiGHts. Imagine the darkness we were in. And we were nervously giggling and trying to orientate ourselves in the utter darkness. One of the girls stepped on my toe in the pitch black and boy tHat REaLLY HurT. I yelped and the other 2 started to laugh. We heard voices and breathed a sigh of relief when we recognized it to be another supervisor. We emerged from the toilet giggling, and with me rubbing my toe.

We hurriedly finished cooking our insant noodles and re-heating some leftover food from the morning breakfast, ate, relieved ourselves and headed to our mattresses, stomach filled and hearts grateful that the busiest day was over.

Regional Student Convention 2015: Day 1 

Naomi and I woke up earlier than the rest in my room and we went to meet the principal at 6.30am at the hotel’s reception area together with Tim, another classmate, to buy breakfast for our school contingent. We walked to a nearby coffee shop and bought prata and some rlly sweet milk tea.
 Tired Tim
Reached back at 7.30, ate quickly, put on the school uniform and we all reported to the hotel lobby at 8.15am sharp for the RSC schools registration.

 If im not wrong, we were the first school to register and it went rather smoothly, for me at least. One of our guys had to go and get a hair cut after the dress check but that was that. It was a generally strict process. Skirts below knees, socks must cover the ankle bones, fingernails mustn’t be painted, boys sideburns must be above the ears, girls fringes must be clipped up and hair must be tied up at all times etc. handed in my photographs to be placed in the exhibits to be judged by the judges later on.

 After registration, we went for lunch and we were dying of thirst. There was no drinking water provided in the hotel (sTraNGe) and I had finished all the water I had in my bottle the night before. So we went to the nearby ‘mall’ to buy drinks, then we split into different groups and had lunch. Went back to the hotel aka campus to report back and figure out where the different events would be held during the week and how to get there. Watched the first event of the week: male-physical fitness. Stopped for awhile to cheer on one of the guys from my school before walking away to continue a tour of the campus with Jan. Got up to abit of mischief that led to uneasiness for the next two days but everything was fine after Wednesday. First seating for dinner was at 6.15pm and second was 6.45pm. Night rally began at 7.30pm, and I went on stage to get my first medal: MY ESSAY WRITING. It won me a 4th placing. Jan entered essay writing too she won 6th (the last placing).

Going on stage to get my first medal on the first night rally in the RSC, it felt like it was really a great start.

  1st medal: 4th place for Essay Writing

Countdown to the Regional Student Convention: 3 days to departure (!!)

Today was the last day of rehearsals in school. Rehearsals started at 12pm and I just got home like half an hour ago? It’s 7.30pm rai now and I’m half dead. 

I haven’t packed any thing for the 5 day trip and AAHHH so stressed! 

For one, I’m fairly relieved of the quality of my photos that I sent to print out for the photography competition and I’m hoping my scenic or still life category will earn me a medal. 

I’m feeling rly jittery alr all the pent up nervousness UGHH I’m like 101% sure I’m going to cry halfway during the student convention cus I’ll be so stressed and my heart can’t take it. On a serious note, Im abit worried about my health specifically my heart/ lungs/ breathing(lol this sound like an old person talking since when do 16 year old girls worry about heart problems). Had sudden sharp pains in my chest around my heart area starting yesterday and today it happened a few times. What if I die in Malaysia 😱 haha guess I’ll just put it down to the high level of stress and nervousness I’m feeling. 

Boy, so maany maany things to do ADui 

Oh GReaT I just remembered. I’m teaching chapel on Sunday. 

Rushing down to khatib immediately after church for lunch and meeting the school team at 1.45pm, CAnNOt BE LaTE AH said my supervisor, bus leaves at 2 sharp, and its a 6/7 HoUR JOurNeY. 

Haven’t got my shampoo, conditioner, need to wash my school polo tee, the clothes I need to bring and ouhmy, the BLAck SOcKS. OUHMY. I.NEEDA.BUY.SOCKS.MY.SAINTED.PANTS.I.FORGOT.ALL.ABOUT.MY.SOCKS. 

AND.AAAAHHHHH.MY.STOCKINGS.I.FORGOT.TO.GET.IT.FROM.MY.SUPERVISOR. 

I forgot so many things GOodBYe no time to continue this blog post alr