Thursday Thoughts: I am Sorry.

{ I don’t know what to do with apologies }

It’s kinda sad when people hurt you and apologize and now the onus is on you to painfully and more carefully hide how it all still hurts. No, it shouldn’t be this way.

–// Take a plate. Drop it.
Watch the shattered pieces decorate the floor.
Collect the broken shards.

Now, apologize to it.

There. It is fixed. //

We’ve all been taught by our parents to apologize when we are in the wrong and to graciously accept apologies from those that wrong us.
While I still agree with that rule, however, to a certain extent, I no longer believe an “I’m sorry” is applicable to severe offences.

It seems to me that an offer of apology serves to only ease the conscience of the offender…
and does nothing to help the wounded…
Does it not?
–/ I hear so many hearts breaking //

That is why, in some cases, I do not believe an apology is worth anything.

Sure, it is a valid courtesy. But still, sadly, and too often, a courtesy too late.

One day, I will teach my own children the importance of saying sorry, but I will also teach them that some hurts created are too deep that not even a hundred apologies accompanied with “Please forgive me” cards attached to a thousand red roses can ever reverse the damage.
I will tell them how their own mother’s youth-hood was drowned with blood and tears and many fears because she was weak and foolish enough to let people’s words stab her heart a million times over.
I will show them my scars and tell them how I wish for them to be strong people, that will not easily let some outsider’s brusque discouraging actions and words affect their heart.
But if and when it does, I understand, and oh my beautiful child, it is okay.
They can climb into my bed in the middle of any night at any time and I will hold them till their shoulders stop shaking, until their tears dry.
I will remind them to be always careful of what they say, and how much I hope and pray that they never be found guilty of killing someone’s soul or spirit with quick, sharp tongues that shoots careless words.

So if you know you’ve hurt me deeply, show me with your actions that you’re truly sorry.
If you have apologized, I truly admire the humility and courage you had put together to do so and thank you.

But if you haven’t, don’t.

Don’t apologize.
It’d only make me cry cos I’d feel so lost. And I don’t want to feel that way.

Don’t apologize.
Please.

I wouldn’t know what to do with it.

Thursday Thoughts: Now You See It

Don’t you get it?
Pain isn’t invisible.
Pain can be seen.

Pain is the way her heart feels so much she connects her forehead with the unfeeling walls of her room a hundred times over.

Pain is the bleeding hills of knuckles, serrated crimson skin dangling on ends, and a million glass shards carpeting the toilet tiles.

And sometimes pain and confusion, when mixed together, turns into a pile of clothes stashed into a drawstring bag, squashed dollar notes in your pocket and your feet taking you far away from the only place you knew as home.

Thursday Thoughts: How You Love Me Now

They teach you how to love but never how to stop. And through your anguish, you learn that some love has no end.

I think it’s kinda dangerous if you like someone for some specific reason. Cos what if that reason is gone one day, how are you gonna continue to love that person?
So I say to the brave hearts, if you find love, love them for no reason, love them for them.
That way, they’ll never need to worry about you losing love for them.