Midnight child

“Maybe this is a rebellious thing to say… But it takes a really strong and brave person to carry around a heart that feels so much.” @ambernroth

Midnight child,

When clash of voices

And harsh sounds

Goes on,

You envy how time has fun,

playing with the sky.

You feel the tiniest atom

Of emotions that others don’t

And you wonder why.

Midnight child,

Maybe you were born to live

Wanting to die.

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I know where I’m going

You thought you were moving on but suddenly you feel like you’re the one left behind, and never will have time to fill the gaps that are here to stay, never get a chance to say what you want to say.

Thousands of twenty-four hours have passed away the way tides swell and retire; not here to stay, not here to stay, they seem to murmur to those who would listen.
And the darkness descends like curtains after a play; only the anticipated thunderous applause is exchanged for an ear-splitting silence.

Dead. Gone.

Nothing remains the same.

And you. You are the one left behind.

Those you knew and loved, speedily slip away from you like gentle ghostly mist floating into oblivion on a wintry day; they’re leaving, all of them and you are stupidly clinging to the pitiful little trinkets you keep that reminds you of them to find a solace for yourself.

Your shrivelled brain, filled with complicated innumerable theories and age old proven formulas, yet strangled with some dust framed memories of some previously loved pretty muse but you were moving on.

Or were you?

Weaving in and out of an insanely endless cyclical routine, it’s ridiculously easy to forget what you’re doing and why you’re doing what you’re doing.

The lines, where are the lines, you scream, as an agony deep in your soul firms its unmerciful enslaving grasp around your neck, stifling your breath and oh, it hurts.
Where are the lines that should you cross you would be deemed extreme. If only they were drawn with lead and graphite and washed with a coat of the blackest ink, and you would never cross that repulsive line.

You don’t want to be defined as extreme, do you?

And the whole mocking world now includes the ones who claim to walk the same walk with you, and they make you the championing fool. They seem to take a cruel delight in blurring all the lines for you with open, high, intellectual ‘non-judgmental’ talk, crafted with fake innocence to belittle you, and make you feel small and basically a nothing. The fact is, in the end, they make you think that they’re better than you.

If there ever was a living paradoxical flummox that would drive them, drive them up the wall, drive them crazy, they point at you and you’re that one.

Here I stand, the most miserable forgetful creature.
How dreadful to claim weakness as brother to my living and dishonor the Victory that reigns in me.

Redeeming Love called me from darkness into Light, and yet selfish pride and waves of bitterness engulfs me, filling me from the very depths of my chest, then over spilling and eagerly consuming, threatening to maliciously devour my entire being, to take me captive.

I look in the mirror and yes, I see how wretched I am.

I realize I don’t deserve the Lord’s lovingkindness, but He is so kind to me.
I thank and praise Him for loving me even when I rejected and despised His longsuffering towards me.

He is so, so good to me.

I am compelled by Love Himself and I must follow Him.

1 Peter 2:9-10 KJV
But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light: Which in time past were not a people, but are now the people of God: which had not obtained mercy, but now have obtained mercy.

was blind but now i see

Some things ‘happened’ and having time to reflect and re-focus my view on my Christian life changed me, a rebel, to lay down my arms, to follow Christ, to desire to be changed into Christ-likeness. 

I have changed.

I want to live in a way that just by my behaviour and manner of life, people will take note that I have been with Jesus. I want to live to bring glory to my Saviour in everything I do.
I want to daily pursue the One who loved me and gave Himself for me.

My new journey has just begun but already I feel lonely.

like I am alone in all that I think and feel now.

The ones I called my closest friends and the ones that I felt I loved best ridicule me. To a certain extent, they think I’m crazy. They pity me for choosing this boring path of life. Maybe they even dislike me now.

I don’t want to be in the company of friends that have no fear of God. I no longer wish to spend time with people that claim to know God but whose actions deny Him. // Titus 1:16

It’s not that I dislike my friends. In fact, I now wish to spend time with them but to talk to them about the things of God.

And if I don’t want to hang with them, it’s just that there are no common interests/ factors anymore.
I am not cool like them anymore. I no longer listen to the rock music i used to, I made a decision to stop swearing. I purposed to dress in a modest way, to love God and I want my life to only show surrender to Him. But all my old friends are continuing in the old way of living, an ungodly walk. // Amos 3:3 //

Before I told some of my friends of the change in me, I told God that my friendships are all His, He could do whatever He wanted to do with my friendships. But I see now that it is not a one-time decision but rather a day by day constant prayerful yielding and surrendering. I constantly find myself struggling, having fallen in the erroneous prideful thinking that I may reach a form of perfection, or quench the sinfulness in me. But at the same time knowing my error, I have discovered the peace and joy, realizing the genuineness that I am weak but thank God, He is strong.

It is my weakness that will allow God to use His power to change and work in me. A strong person needs no help. A weak person does. And I am so weak. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 KJV

 // how strangely wonderful it is to acknowledge my weakness; the very quality in which I despise myself so often for is the same channel in which God chose for His strength to do a perfecting work in my life, if I will let Him //

I have decided to follow Jesus and though none go with me still I will follow.

I am confident that to leave my life in the Hands that bled to save it,

are the safest Hands to keep it.

Thursday Thoughts: Stronger.

There is no weakness in forgiveness. Only strength and courage.

In today’s world, humility is mistaken for weakness and self-control for lack of spirit.
But I tell you, the one who has the courage to keep on being faithful to his calling while being trodden on, no one has more inner strength and stability than that man.

Saturday Series: Cacophonous Silence.

“The world was too overwhelming for the child, so she hid in her mind. And if only she knew how loud her mind could be too, she wouldn’t be screaming the way she is today.”

Who knew the lies I was told as a child would create a monster that would haunt me, into my youth.
Who knew teenhood would not be marked with life’s greatest adventures but with tears and blood running after, sorrow upon sorrow.

Ugly lies that would echo menacingly at inopportune times, when my insecurity crept in, snaking its cold unrelenting grasp around my neck, choking me, bringing me to my knees at the casket of memory I had tried so hard to bury.

People didn’t like me ; everything I did was not good ; my success depended on the reaction of others, if they were happy, I did well, if not, I was a failure.

These thoughts leering at my distress every hour, made their long term abode in my tormented mind.

And I kept silent.

Then, how the silence roared in my head and how it eagerly tried to consume every inch of my pain-filled soul.

Like a wound up toy soldier, I marched to the complicated tune of people’s wishes and fancies.

Donning a fool-proof facade, taking a sword and a shield, I faced the world with my false bravado.

But soon.

The no longer shining armour began to feel tremendously weighty, pulling me down, wearing me out and dragging me into the dust.
My shoulders shook, how strange, I thought, it never did before, or maybe I just hadn’t paid attention to it.
The sword, stained with blood, and I, with no recollection of victories, bore mottled bruises and wore countless scars.

How tired I felt ; I laid down and let the world pass by.

And still I kept silent.

Maybe it was a good thing, letting the heat of the noon day set my body ablaze and then fighting the excruciating pain, mind warring against flesh, to allow the cold midnight winds to freeze my charred spirit.

And it was the harshest climates that woke my quite dead resolve to press forward.

The heat planted a thirst to rise like the sun and the biting winds fanned a desire to try again.
And by and by, after conquering myself and my sick mind, I learned not to fear people’s opinion about me.
I no longer cared about their insolent attitudes toward me, their sharp tongues or fiery words.

Painfully peeling off the rusted armour that clung to me, I threw down my sword and shield and for a first, exchanged it for faith and love.

Now, no longer silent, hear my voice above the storm as I rise from the ashes.
I may be knocked down and belittled by you, but I will get up and I will try again.

Thursday Thoughts: stay strong

It’s the back-from-the-dead, breaking free from situations you never imagined you could shake off, the things that almost break you, those experiences are the things that makes you brave, bold and strong.

And more so too, if dependency is found in Christ, it is through the valleys that one may rejoice more gladly because it is only in helplessness that God’s strength is able to work more gloriously & the triumph at last will be sweet.

2 Corinthians 12:10 “…for when I am weak, then am I strong.”

Youth Camp 2015!

Youth camp ended last Saturday; been catching up with teammates and also catching up on sleep too. 
Had a great time during youth camp and it was a totally different experience compared to the other camps, like maybe more spiritually ready to learn and accept God’s word during camp.

  
To me, every sermon and testimony shared gave me something to think about and devotions, it was a real blessing to be with the 5 other senior girls. Devotions was a time to be completely honest and humble about personal struggles. Over the 5 days, I personally learnt to appreciate the privilege of bringing our cares and burdens to the Saviour. 

It didn’t matter that we were competing against each other, or that we were in different teams. As long as we faced a crisis/ problem, we went straight to God. Or when we didn’t know what to do/ which direction to take, for example, preparation for my team’s skit, we committed our work to God and prayed for wisdom to do all for His glory. 

Grateful for this years camp and specifically, for my team!

   
 Things were different this year, I wasn’t the oldest in the team but I was the leader. And if you know me, I’m not a natural leader. I admit it was a struggle at first. But by the time first day was over, I realized that if I didn’t do anything/ lead the team, no one else would do it and everyone/ everything we tried to do will be in disarray. 

So despite my desperate incompetence to lead the team, I’m thankful for strength and super thankful for my team. They were always supportive and encouraging to me, always asking me if I was alright and if I needed anything I could ask them. 

Team Steadfast: || JY, me, Ella, Andrea, Erica, Kloe, TF, John, Joseph, Azel ||

   
 It was a super fun 5 days with my team and sure, there were frustrating moments, there were tears, but we were a team and stuck together.

Super blessed to be in Team Steadfast and although we didn’t win in the end, having worked and fought together, knowing my posse did their best, in my heart, it was more than enough.

I know we say this every year but we really mean it!! : looking forward to the youth camp reunion and the next youth camp!