I know where I’m going

You thought you were moving on but suddenly you feel like you’re the one left behind, and never will have time to fill the gaps that are here to stay, never get a chance to say what you want to say.

Thousands of twenty-four hours have passed away the way tides swell and retire; not here to stay, not here to stay, they seem to murmur to those who would listen.
And the darkness descends like curtains after a play; only the anticipated thunderous applause is exchanged for an ear-splitting silence.

Dead. Gone.

Nothing remains the same.

And you. You are the one left behind.

Those you knew and loved, speedily slip away from you like gentle ghostly mist floating into oblivion on a wintry day; they’re leaving, all of them and you are stupidly clinging to the pitiful little trinkets you keep that reminds you of them to find a solace for yourself.

Your shrivelled brain, filled with complicated innumerable theories and age old proven formulas, yet strangled with some dust framed memories of some previously loved pretty muse but you were moving on.

Or were you?

Weaving in and out of an insanely endless cyclical routine, it’s ridiculously easy to forget what you’re doing and why you’re doing what you’re doing.

The lines, where are the lines, you scream, as an agony deep in your soul firms its unmerciful enslaving grasp around your neck, stifling your breath and oh, it hurts.
Where are the lines that should you cross you would be deemed extreme. If only they were drawn with lead and graphite and washed with a coat of the blackest ink, and you would never cross that repulsive line.

You don’t want to be defined as extreme, do you?

And the whole mocking world now includes the ones who claim to walk the same walk with you, and they make you the championing fool. They seem to take a cruel delight in blurring all the lines for you with open, high, intellectual ‘non-judgmental’ talk, crafted with fake innocence to belittle you, and make you feel small and basically a nothing. The fact is, in the end, they make you think that they’re better than you.

If there ever was a living paradoxical flummox that would drive them, drive them up the wall, drive them crazy, they point at you and you’re that one.

Here I stand, the most miserable forgetful creature.
How dreadful to claim weakness as brother to my living and dishonor the Victory that reigns in me.

Redeeming Love called me from darkness into Light, and yet selfish pride and waves of bitterness engulfs me, filling me from the very depths of my chest, then over spilling and eagerly consuming, threatening to maliciously devour my entire being, to take me captive.

I look in the mirror and yes, I see how wretched I am.

I realize I don’t deserve the Lord’s lovingkindness, but He is so kind to me.
I thank and praise Him for loving me even when I rejected and despised His longsuffering towards me.

He is so, so good to me.

I am compelled by Love Himself and I must follow Him.

1 Peter 2:9-10 KJV
But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light: Which in time past were not a people, but are now the people of God: which had not obtained mercy, but now have obtained mercy.

burning ashes

Skipped the last Saturday Series, apologies for that, but no one even noticed right LOL

Been really tired at heart cos life’s been nasty, it’s been a crazy ride this past weeks. >inserts quote: “It’s weird people compare life to a roller-coaster, because on a roller-coaster, the downhill parts are the most fun.” <
Can't say I enjoyed myself on the downhill parts but at least I found courage in my crazed state, to do things I have put off for along time cos I was afraid of doing them. Like getting the bangs haircut I've wondered for so long how I would look like with bangs.

Before haircut:

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with my beautiful sisters, Leandra, me and Allyson 😍

After haircut:

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still with my beautiful sisters 😂

//Hello world, this is a 17 year old me reliving my childhood haircut//

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Sigh. Growing up really changes you in so many ways you can’t even count them. And sometimes looking back breaks me, knowing how much I’ve gone through just to have today, some days I wonder if it’s even worth it.

>> All that borrows life from Thee is ever in Thy care.

Felt many disappointments in just a few weeks, but I’m sure there’s more meaning to life despite this drift from my expectations.

Strength will find you sooner than you ever thought it would.

// Head up, heart strong //

👨👩👮👧👦👶

It’s been a great day for me ^~^

So in the afternoon, it was badminton trials. School can only send 3 of each gender but for girls, there were 5 of us that selected the event. My buddy had an automatic spot cus she’s good but me and and older girl was supposed to play against 2 other girls. I was rly nervous cus I had no inkling of the girls standard. When I reached the badminton court, I was told that one of the girls I was supposed to match with pulled out so I just had to play against one. As the saying goes, all’s well that ends well, I soon discovered the nervousness I felt was totally unnecessary and I secured myself the second spot on the female’s badminton team within 15 minutes. 

I was doubtful about securing a spot at first but. lesson learnt here: You can only vanquish your inner demons when you yourself are convinced of your own worth.

Next great thing.

Today. Is. Big. Bros. POP!   Unfortunately, they didn’t get to put up their marching performance cus of the rain. We were vacated from our seats after about an hour of sitting with no action. (We got there about an hour earlier.) we were moved to another place but in the end I felt it was nice we got to see him up close in his full u, and watch close up as they shouted “POP+(yo/oh/o)!”

 Then it was dinner and we met some of my bros squad mates.

One of them came over to chat with big bro, and pointing to me and my siblings, he asked, “Your siblings? Family?” To which my bro replied, “Yeah, my sisters, brother, parents.” 

The squad mate nodded in acknowledgement and said 4 words that made my chest swell with pride, “Your brother is awesome!”   And yes, he is 💞 sorry my big face

Much love for the most handsome SG police corporal in the world 😘 

He’s back! (:

It’s been a day since big bro booked out.
When I finally saw big bro, I hugged him so tightly. I missed him so much.
He told us a lot of stories about his 10 days in the HTA, about his buddies, training and all.
He brought back a bag load of smelly PT kits and number 3s the name for police uniform tho 😂
But they were all washed on the night he came back and all hung to drip dry except for the PT shorts.
They were all dried by today and I ironed the number 3s in the evening. Felt so proud that my beloved big bro would don this blue uniform that represents the force that keeps Singapore safe and secure.
He’ll be booking in tmr evening but it won’t be so sore because this coming week, he’ll get to book out on Wednesday instead of Friday! Cus Wednesday is CNY eve and everyone is gonna have reunion dinner. So he’ll be with us from Wednesday till Sunday evening, spending CNY with us (‘:

Really really missed him. Ps I think we kinda look alike here, at least our smiles look alike, tho much apologies that I look gross and he is blurred in the pic

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ps this was posted on the 14th of Feb, idk what I did and this post got deleted das why I’m reposting it today lul