I know where I’m going

You thought you were moving on but suddenly you feel like you’re the one left behind, and never will have time to fill the gaps that are here to stay, never get a chance to say what you want to say.

Thousands of twenty-four hours have passed away the way tides swell and retire; not here to stay, not here to stay, they seem to murmur to those who would listen.
And the darkness descends like curtains after a play; only the anticipated thunderous applause is exchanged for an ear-splitting silence.

Dead. Gone.

Nothing remains the same.

And you. You are the one left behind.

Those you knew and loved, speedily slip away from you like gentle ghostly mist floating into oblivion on a wintry day; they’re leaving, all of them and you are stupidly clinging to the pitiful little trinkets you keep that reminds you of them to find a solace for yourself.

Your shrivelled brain, filled with complicated innumerable theories and age old proven formulas, yet strangled with some dust framed memories of some previously loved pretty muse but you were moving on.

Or were you?

Weaving in and out of an insanely endless cyclical routine, it’s ridiculously easy to forget what you’re doing and why you’re doing what you’re doing.

The lines, where are the lines, you scream, as an agony deep in your soul firms its unmerciful enslaving grasp around your neck, stifling your breath and oh, it hurts.
Where are the lines that should you cross you would be deemed extreme. If only they were drawn with lead and graphite and washed with a coat of the blackest ink, and you would never cross that repulsive line.

You don’t want to be defined as extreme, do you?

And the whole mocking world now includes the ones who claim to walk the same walk with you, and they make you the championing fool. They seem to take a cruel delight in blurring all the lines for you with open, high, intellectual ‘non-judgmental’ talk, crafted with fake innocence to belittle you, and make you feel small and basically a nothing. The fact is, in the end, they make you think that they’re better than you.

If there ever was a living paradoxical flummox that would drive them, drive them up the wall, drive them crazy, they point at you and you’re that one.

Here I stand, the most miserable forgetful creature.
How dreadful to claim weakness as brother to my living and dishonor the Victory that reigns in me.

Redeeming Love called me from darkness into Light, and yet selfish pride and waves of bitterness engulfs me, filling me from the very depths of my chest, then over spilling and eagerly consuming, threatening to maliciously devour my entire being, to take me captive.

I look in the mirror and yes, I see how wretched I am.

I realize I don’t deserve the Lord’s lovingkindness, but He is so kind to me.
I thank and praise Him for loving me even when I rejected and despised His longsuffering towards me.

He is so, so good to me.

I am compelled by Love Himself and I must follow Him.

1 Peter 2:9-10 KJV
But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light: Which in time past were not a people, but are now the people of God: which had not obtained mercy, but now have obtained mercy.

was blind but now i see

Some things ‘happened’ and having time to reflect and re-focus my view on my Christian life changed me, a rebel, to lay down my arms, to follow Christ, to desire to be changed into Christ-likeness. 

I have changed.

I want to live in a way that just by my behaviour and manner of life, people will take note that I have been with Jesus. I want to live to bring glory to my Saviour in everything I do.
I want to daily pursue the One who loved me and gave Himself for me.

My new journey has just begun but already I feel lonely.

like I am alone in all that I think and feel now.

The ones I called my closest friends and the ones that I felt I loved best ridicule me. To a certain extent, they think I’m crazy. They pity me for choosing this boring path of life. Maybe they even dislike me now.

I don’t want to be in the company of friends that have no fear of God. I no longer wish to spend time with people that claim to know God but whose actions deny Him. // Titus 1:16

It’s not that I dislike my friends. In fact, I now wish to spend time with them but to talk to them about the things of God.

And if I don’t want to hang with them, it’s just that there are no common interests/ factors anymore.
I am not cool like them anymore. I no longer listen to the rock music i used to, I made a decision to stop swearing. I purposed to dress in a modest way, to love God and I want my life to only show surrender to Him. But all my old friends are continuing in the old way of living, an ungodly walk. // Amos 3:3 //

Before I told some of my friends of the change in me, I told God that my friendships are all His, He could do whatever He wanted to do with my friendships. But I see now that it is not a one-time decision but rather a day by day constant prayerful yielding and surrendering. I constantly find myself struggling, having fallen in the erroneous prideful thinking that I may reach a form of perfection, or quench the sinfulness in me. But at the same time knowing my error, I have discovered the peace and joy, realizing the genuineness that I am weak but thank God, He is strong.

It is my weakness that will allow God to use His power to change and work in me. A strong person needs no help. A weak person does. And I am so weak. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 KJV

 // how strangely wonderful it is to acknowledge my weakness; the very quality in which I despise myself so often for is the same channel in which God chose for His strength to do a perfecting work in my life, if I will let Him //

I have decided to follow Jesus and though none go with me still I will follow.

I am confident that to leave my life in the Hands that bled to save it,

are the safest Hands to keep it.

burning ashes

Skipped the last Saturday Series, apologies for that, but no one even noticed right LOL

Been really tired at heart cos life’s been nasty, it’s been a crazy ride this past weeks. >inserts quote: “It’s weird people compare life to a roller-coaster, because on a roller-coaster, the downhill parts are the most fun.” <
Can't say I enjoyed myself on the downhill parts but at least I found courage in my crazed state, to do things I have put off for along time cos I was afraid of doing them. Like getting the bangs haircut I've wondered for so long how I would look like with bangs.

Before haircut:

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with my beautiful sisters, Leandra, me and Allyson 😍

After haircut:

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still with my beautiful sisters 😂

//Hello world, this is a 17 year old me reliving my childhood haircut//

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Sigh. Growing up really changes you in so many ways you can’t even count them. And sometimes looking back breaks me, knowing how much I’ve gone through just to have today, some days I wonder if it’s even worth it.

>> All that borrows life from Thee is ever in Thy care.

Felt many disappointments in just a few weeks, but I’m sure there’s more meaning to life despite this drift from my expectations.

Strength will find you sooner than you ever thought it would.

// Head up, heart strong //

Goodbye 2015.

{time for another year end reflection post wew} Warning: long post ahead


2015 passed so quickly & here I am, at the edge of another brand new year.

For me, this past year (2015) has been a year of (more than usual, compared to other years) growth in many different aspects, and for that I am most thankful to God.

The biggest change in my 2015 life was my elder brother enlisting into the police force to serve his NS, early this year. With him seldom around, I had to learn to find my own way & develop my own spiritual convictions instead of always leaning on him for strength & going to him if I had a problem.

Ps remember the post I wrote last year about a time capsule we did at Youth Group? Well we dug it up last Saturday. It was a bittersweet moment, reflecting on the accomplishments & failures of the goals but more so because of the way I wrote the “note to your future self”.

It was bittersweet for me, reading this note; sweet, because i had discovered a deeper relationship with Christ. Bitter because of the wasted years and that I could have spared myself from so much heartaches if only I had made the right choices.

Through 2015, I know God has led me and I thank Him for giving me opportunities to grow & mature. One of the experiences was when I went for the RSC. I had a crazy time with the school & loved my schoolmates. Learned the meaning of true friendship, or rather what a true friend should be. Realized my dream of singing in a quartet & winning second place for that. Made a bunch of new friends.

That wasn’t the only happy time, there were other highs like, watching my younger sisters in Christ get baptized, seeing them grow, bonding with friends, playing with my twinz (they’re not literally mine but 💁 they are in a special way ✨), serving in church with faithful people.
And then, of course, there were lows. The tears, the hurts, the losses, the unfulfilled expectations, the many fears.
But through it all, no matter how weak I was or how I had forgotten God, He was always there.
Was struggling with abit of discouragement the past few months, but I know that whatever happens in my life, God knows why it does & He’s in control. Because I know He’s in control, I do not have to fret over it. He’ll work it out somehow.
In 2016, there’s gonna be more life changes & I’ll be busier coz I’m hoping to finish up my last year of school.

But I pray that while the going gets tough, I should always find my feet carrying me to the One who charted my course for guidance & strength.

Prone to wander, may I always bind myself with the cords of Love to the One who loved me & gave Himself for me;

Naturally prideful, may I choose to be broken bread & poured out wine;

Distracted easily, may my heart & mind be focused on being Christlike & having a heart of pure love towards God & men.

Emptied to be filled by God’s grace & peace, i pray that 2016 will find me depending more on His strength and wisdom.

Instead of relying on men for encouragement, may the only place I seek for refreshment & refuge be in the presence of the Saviour, and may the only refill I seek for a pure love for the brethren only be granted when I go to Love Himself.

And every virtue I possess is His alone.

“It is the saddest thing to see people in the service of God depending on that which the grace of God never have them, depending in what they have by the accident of heredity. God does not build up our natural virtues and transfigured them, because our natural virtues can never come anywhere near what Jesus Christ wants.”

– Oswald Chambers –

Looking back at the difference one year has made, I’m grateful for how God has led me through this year. Yes, I’ve come a long long painful way but it was a blessed way with Him.

“If through a broken heart, God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart.”

– Oswald Chambers –

move along

After receiving information about people who were (maybe still are) unhappy over posts I made two years ago, I have cleared out almost all the posts that was made in 2013, the year this blog was started. Actually clearing out some old posts has been on my mind for quite awhile just hadn’t gotten around to doing so until now; no hate for the haters in my choice for doing so, just taking the opportunity to tidy up my blog. 

Those who have been around with me since the start of the my blogging journey would remember my blog was first called the P.K.s talk. It was originally created with the intention for it to be a public platform for me to rant about the downside of being a preacher’s kid, documenting things that horribly nasty people (some of whom have left the church) had done or said to hurt me and my family, or if it was a good day, i would give a detailed account of a happy Sunday at church.

As a then 14-year-old, I was forced to grow up quickly as a ministry kid, rudely awakened to the cruel fact that people who said they were Christians didn’t mean that they were angelic beings who could never sin, but in fact who sinned a lot and who hurt people in life and those in church would especially (maybe even purposely? idk) hurt their pastor along with his family. Having being treated unfairly and having seen how rude and nasty some Christians could be, i discovered that a very very healthy way to vent my inner frustrations that i would have never dared to verbally voice out + complain about some people/ situations as a ministry kid in real life on a blog was a splendid idea, and till today, i don’t think i regret beginning this journey.

2 years have since passed, and with enough maturity to let the past remain the past, I renamed my blog “the beautiful ashes”, the name coined from Isaiah 61:3 KJV “To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.” with the belief that “the experience of our lives, when we let God use them, become the mysterious and perfect preparation for the work He will give us to do.”, and that the ashes from a life can be turned into something beautiful in the Saviour’s hands.
I guess occasionally I may still gripe and groan about unreasonable people in church, in my circles, but as far as I am concerned, I am moving on, you may hate on my posts made in 2013 or hate me even and I’m regretful you feel so, but I am not going to let you chain me to 2013 to be a prisoner of the past.

Whether you like it or not, I am moving forward.