I know where I’m going

You thought you were moving on but suddenly you feel like you’re the one left behind, and never will have time to fill the gaps that are here to stay, never get a chance to say what you want to say.

Thousands of twenty-four hours have passed away the way tides swell and retire; not here to stay, not here to stay, they seem to murmur to those who would listen.
And the darkness descends like curtains after a play; only the anticipated thunderous applause is exchanged for an ear-splitting silence.

Dead. Gone.

Nothing remains the same.

And you. You are the one left behind.

Those you knew and loved, speedily slip away from you like gentle ghostly mist floating into oblivion on a wintry day; they’re leaving, all of them and you are stupidly clinging to the pitiful little trinkets you keep that reminds you of them to find a solace for yourself.

Your shrivelled brain, filled with complicated innumerable theories and age old proven formulas, yet strangled with some dust framed memories of some previously loved pretty muse but you were moving on.

Or were you?

Weaving in and out of an insanely endless cyclical routine, it’s ridiculously easy to forget what you’re doing and why you’re doing what you’re doing.

The lines, where are the lines, you scream, as an agony deep in your soul firms its unmerciful enslaving grasp around your neck, stifling your breath and oh, it hurts.
Where are the lines that should you cross you would be deemed extreme. If only they were drawn with lead and graphite and washed with a coat of the blackest ink, and you would never cross that repulsive line.

You don’t want to be defined as extreme, do you?

And the whole mocking world now includes the ones who claim to walk the same walk with you, and they make you the championing fool. They seem to take a cruel delight in blurring all the lines for you with open, high, intellectual ‘non-judgmental’ talk, crafted with fake innocence to belittle you, and make you feel small and basically a nothing. The fact is, in the end, they make you think that they’re better than you.

If there ever was a living paradoxical flummox that would drive them, drive them up the wall, drive them crazy, they point at you and you’re that one.

Here I stand, the most miserable forgetful creature.
How dreadful to claim weakness as brother to my living and dishonor the Victory that reigns in me.

Redeeming Love called me from darkness into Light, and yet selfish pride and waves of bitterness engulfs me, filling me from the very depths of my chest, then over spilling and eagerly consuming, threatening to maliciously devour my entire being, to take me captive.

I look in the mirror and yes, I see how wretched I am.

I realize I don’t deserve the Lord’s lovingkindness, but He is so kind to me.
I thank and praise Him for loving me even when I rejected and despised His longsuffering towards me.

He is so, so good to me.

I am compelled by Love Himself and I must follow Him.

1 Peter 2:9-10 KJV
But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light: Which in time past were not a people, but are now the people of God: which had not obtained mercy, but now have obtained mercy.


perfect ways

There’s so much to be seen, so many places to go, so many people I have yet to meet, so many things to be done; and maybe if I’m smart enough I won’t settle for anything or anyone, not yet, not the first one, and maybe not the second. Wait for the opportunities to come, then let the Greater Being lead me. And I can trust that He will be sure to lead me home.

brave on

So I turned 17 on the 1st of January. One year older wew (The number 17 makes me feel much older than 16, but tbh I rly feel older idk why)

Spent a quiet day with my family, had lunch at a cozy restaurant & reflected on my past 16 years of living and on the year that was to come. Grateful to God for adding yet another year to my life always thought I would die at 16 ( I think a lot about death), but here am I hahaha

Here’s 2016, school begins tmr & I’m thankful for a brand new year, a brand new start.

A new year of service to Christ, a year of opportunities to grow, surrounded with the people I love & who love me, a year, though it may be paved with much trials and perhaps mixed with tears, that holds promised victory & countless blessings.

While one part of me looks forward to embracing everything God has planned for me this year, another part of me fears that whatever may happen may break my heart.

But no matter what, may I always walk on steadily, bravely, always conscious that God knows where He’s leading, that He’s already gone ahead of me through 2016, that the One who holds my every tomorrow, is the One who holds my hand.

Goodbye 2015.

{time for another year end reflection post wew} Warning: long post ahead

2015 passed so quickly & here I am, at the edge of another brand new year.

For me, this past year (2015) has been a year of (more than usual, compared to other years) growth in many different aspects, and for that I am most thankful to God.

The biggest change in my 2015 life was my elder brother enlisting into the police force to serve his NS, early this year. With him seldom around, I had to learn to find my own way & develop my own spiritual convictions instead of always leaning on him for strength & going to him if I had a problem.

Ps remember the post I wrote last year about a time capsule we did at Youth Group? Well we dug it up last Saturday. It was a bittersweet moment, reflecting on the accomplishments & failures of the goals but more so because of the way I wrote the “note to your future self”.

It was bittersweet for me, reading this note; sweet, because i had discovered a deeper relationship with Christ. Bitter because of the wasted years and that I could have spared myself from so much heartaches if only I had made the right choices.

Through 2015, I know God has led me and I thank Him for giving me opportunities to grow & mature. One of the experiences was when I went for the RSC. I had a crazy time with the school & loved my schoolmates. Learned the meaning of true friendship, or rather what a true friend should be. Realized my dream of singing in a quartet & winning second place for that. Made a bunch of new friends.

That wasn’t the only happy time, there were other highs like, watching my younger sisters in Christ get baptized, seeing them grow, bonding with friends, playing with my twinz (they’re not literally mine but 💁 they are in a special way ✨), serving in church with faithful people.
And then, of course, there were lows. The tears, the hurts, the losses, the unfulfilled expectations, the many fears.
But through it all, no matter how weak I was or how I had forgotten God, He was always there.
Was struggling with abit of discouragement the past few months, but I know that whatever happens in my life, God knows why it does & He’s in control. Because I know He’s in control, I do not have to fret over it. He’ll work it out somehow.
In 2016, there’s gonna be more life changes & I’ll be busier coz I’m hoping to finish up my last year of school.

But I pray that while the going gets tough, I should always find my feet carrying me to the One who charted my course for guidance & strength.

Prone to wander, may I always bind myself with the cords of Love to the One who loved me & gave Himself for me;

Naturally prideful, may I choose to be broken bread & poured out wine;

Distracted easily, may my heart & mind be focused on being Christlike & having a heart of pure love towards God & men.

Emptied to be filled by God’s grace & peace, i pray that 2016 will find me depending more on His strength and wisdom.

Instead of relying on men for encouragement, may the only place I seek for refreshment & refuge be in the presence of the Saviour, and may the only refill I seek for a pure love for the brethren only be granted when I go to Love Himself.

And every virtue I possess is His alone.

“It is the saddest thing to see people in the service of God depending on that which the grace of God never have them, depending in what they have by the accident of heredity. God does not build up our natural virtues and transfigured them, because our natural virtues can never come anywhere near what Jesus Christ wants.”

– Oswald Chambers –

Looking back at the difference one year has made, I’m grateful for how God has led me through this year. Yes, I’ve come a long long painful way but it was a blessed way with Him.

“If through a broken heart, God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart.”

– Oswald Chambers –