I know where I’m going

You thought you were moving on but suddenly you feel like you’re the one left behind, and never will have time to fill the gaps that are here to stay, never get a chance to say what you want to say.

Thousands of twenty-four hours have passed away the way tides swell and retire; not here to stay, not here to stay, they seem to murmur to those who would listen.
And the darkness descends like curtains after a play; only the anticipated thunderous applause is exchanged for an ear-splitting silence.

Dead. Gone.

Nothing remains the same.

And you. You are the one left behind.

Those you knew and loved, speedily slip away from you like gentle ghostly mist floating into oblivion on a wintry day; they’re leaving, all of them and you are stupidly clinging to the pitiful little trinkets you keep that reminds you of them to find a solace for yourself.

Your shrivelled brain, filled with complicated innumerable theories and age old proven formulas, yet strangled with some dust framed memories of some previously loved pretty muse but you were moving on.

Or were you?

Weaving in and out of an insanely endless cyclical routine, it’s ridiculously easy to forget what you’re doing and why you’re doing what you’re doing.

The lines, where are the lines, you scream, as an agony deep in your soul firms its unmerciful enslaving grasp around your neck, stifling your breath and oh, it hurts.
Where are the lines that should you cross you would be deemed extreme. If only they were drawn with lead and graphite and washed with a coat of the blackest ink, and you would never cross that repulsive line.

You don’t want to be defined as extreme, do you?

And the whole mocking world now includes the ones who claim to walk the same walk with you, and they make you the championing fool. They seem to take a cruel delight in blurring all the lines for you with open, high, intellectual ‘non-judgmental’ talk, crafted with fake innocence to belittle you, and make you feel small and basically a nothing. The fact is, in the end, they make you think that they’re better than you.

If there ever was a living paradoxical flummox that would drive them, drive them up the wall, drive them crazy, they point at you and you’re that one.

Here I stand, the most miserable forgetful creature.
How dreadful to claim weakness as brother to my living and dishonor the Victory that reigns in me.

Redeeming Love called me from darkness into Light, and yet selfish pride and waves of bitterness engulfs me, filling me from the very depths of my chest, then over spilling and eagerly consuming, threatening to maliciously devour my entire being, to take me captive.

I look in the mirror and yes, I see how wretched I am.

I realize I don’t deserve the Lord’s lovingkindness, but He is so kind to me.
I thank and praise Him for loving me even when I rejected and despised His longsuffering towards me.

He is so, so good to me.

I am compelled by Love Himself and I must follow Him.

1 Peter 2:9-10 KJV
But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light: Which in time past were not a people, but are now the people of God: which had not obtained mercy, but now have obtained mercy.


Thursday Thoughts: stay strong

It’s the back-from-the-dead, breaking free from situations you never imagined you could shake off, the things that almost break you, those experiences are the things that makes you brave, bold and strong.

And more so too, if dependency is found in Christ, it is through the valleys that one may rejoice more gladly because it is only in helplessness that God’s strength is able to work more gloriously & the triumph at last will be sweet.

2 Corinthians 12:10 “…for when I am weak, then am I strong.”

Quote of 2016

And I pray that you no longer seek happiness from the past, but rather you set your sails forward, to a land that is pure and wonderful. I pray that you no longer stare into the shallows of empty promises, but that you dive into the depth of an ocean of guarantee. May you feel the winds of hope, and smell the scent of joy, may your heart be alive again as it was meant to be. For you are with a better Captain, you are with a true Sailor, a true Leader; You are sailing with Christ, and He is always sure to lead us home. – T.B. LaBerge

cursed blessing

I know the title I coined is paradoxical but I love the bitter sweet ring to it.

I have more in me than to stoop down to the same unkind level to hurl mud back to those who hurl mud at me.
I tell myself this all the time.

Respond with Honesty. Clear conscience. Love. Truth.

I’ve come to realize that with awareness of Christ’s presence in and with me, coupled with a clear clean conscience, I do not have to worry about what people may say. Yes, it’s easy to be bothered about all the nasty things going on and I am not totally unaffected by the unkind treatment to me or my family. I am aware that I have feelings of bitterness and resentment to those who have wronged me and my family. I want to insult those who have insulted me or my family, with the same mean language or tone or attitude. Misunderstood, mistreated, no one even tries to understand the pastor or his family. Pastor and family are always judged for everything and are required to understand others all the time *inserts bitter laugh*
Like the idiom that goes, it never rains but it pours, the discouraging comments and criticism and gossips seem like they will never end. It is difficult for me at times, but I am learning that if I treat them the way they treat us, it makes us no different from them. But with Christ in the vessel I can smile at the storm.

“Each new day’s design is chartered by His hand.” If all of my days has been planned by God, I am more than confident that He will carry me through. 

Call me pretentious, no guts, a wimp. It is of zero importance what you think or perceive of me (:
My position in Christ and my value to Him is far more precious and important to me than a thousand repulsive compositions painted about me.