I know where I’m going

You thought you were moving on but suddenly you feel like you’re the one left behind, and never will have time to fill the gaps that are here to stay, never get a chance to say what you want to say.

Thousands of twenty-four hours have passed away the way tides swell and retire; not here to stay, not here to stay, they seem to murmur to those who would listen.
And the darkness descends like curtains after a play; only the anticipated thunderous applause is exchanged for an ear-splitting silence.

Dead. Gone.

Nothing remains the same.

And you. You are the one left behind.

Those you knew and loved, speedily slip away from you like gentle ghostly mist floating into oblivion on a wintry day; they’re leaving, all of them and you are stupidly clinging to the pitiful little trinkets you keep that reminds you of them to find a solace for yourself.

Your shrivelled brain, filled with complicated innumerable theories and age old proven formulas, yet strangled with some dust framed memories of some previously loved pretty muse but you were moving on.

Or were you?

Weaving in and out of an insanely endless cyclical routine, it’s ridiculously easy to forget what you’re doing and why you’re doing what you’re doing.

The lines, where are the lines, you scream, as an agony deep in your soul firms its unmerciful enslaving grasp around your neck, stifling your breath and oh, it hurts.
Where are the lines that should you cross you would be deemed extreme. If only they were drawn with lead and graphite and washed with a coat of the blackest ink, and you would never cross that repulsive line.

You don’t want to be defined as extreme, do you?

And the whole mocking world now includes the ones who claim to walk the same walk with you, and they make you the championing fool. They seem to take a cruel delight in blurring all the lines for you with open, high, intellectual ‘non-judgmental’ talk, crafted with fake innocence to belittle you, and make you feel small and basically a nothing. The fact is, in the end, they make you think that they’re better than you.

If there ever was a living paradoxical flummox that would drive them, drive them up the wall, drive them crazy, they point at you and you’re that one.

Here I stand, the most miserable forgetful creature.
How dreadful to claim weakness as brother to my living and dishonor the Victory that reigns in me.

Redeeming Love called me from darkness into Light, and yet selfish pride and waves of bitterness engulfs me, filling me from the very depths of my chest, then over spilling and eagerly consuming, threatening to maliciously devour my entire being, to take me captive.

I look in the mirror and yes, I see how wretched I am.

I realize I don’t deserve the Lord’s lovingkindness, but He is so kind to me.
I thank and praise Him for loving me even when I rejected and despised His longsuffering towards me.

He is so, so good to me.

I am compelled by Love Himself and I must follow Him.

1 Peter 2:9-10 KJV
But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light: Which in time past were not a people, but are now the people of God: which had not obtained mercy, but now have obtained mercy.

Hello November

“In Your Presence Is Fullness Of Joy.”

It’s been a month since my last post. time flies when you’re having fun. or not. Life hasn’t been as kind as it could be but well, this is life.

I’ve been really busy with school and a Bible Diploma course I’ve enrolled in and began in August Faith Bible Institute aka FBI. We’re about to complete my first sem in FBI and the 3 exams/tests have started, 1 of which we have already taken last week.
Re school, i’m headed to completing my J1 equivalent this year end and J2/ A levels hopefully by the end of next year. Seems like I have everything about my studies under control when in actual fact I don’t. I was faced with what seemed to me a major failure and oh well pretty much feel like a failure now.

November 5th was my dad’s birthday and 11th was my parent’s second decade of marriage. wished I had the means to make those 2 days an extra special one.

Nov 12th was school’s grad night, it was awhsum the quartet got together again, we sang His Robes For Mine and the day before the grad night, we learned our parts for another song, As The Deer. SuRPriSe me nothing, we did great. After grad night was over, we gathered together and suddenly there was a mass weeping. I mean it was justifiable, one of the girls was leaving the next day and we probably wouldn’t see her again soon. Then followed all the I’m gonna miss you Me too stay in touch okay forever friends don’t forget us be strong we love you and group hugs, wrong, much group hugs.

now. while most of the students school term is ending, I still have a lot of work to do. Ask me to describe how I am feeling this days in one word: Tired.

Okay. there’s so many things to be done, so many things going wrong, so many things that are so discouraging.

there’s no such thing as a separation between my family life and church life. No breaks, no breathers, no nothing. your reward is people leaving the church or people saying nasty stuff and I’m just here like okay, this is just great, won’t you guys just give me a break?!
Well it isn’t exactly true that the only reward is nasty things, I mean, there are people that encourage me in ways they don’t even know and I really appreciate those people. It’s just that sometimes the black spot on a white cloth is so easier to pick on then the rest of the clean cloth.
So when the moments come, when I am encouraged by so and so who has made known his or her desire to love and follow God, I take it to readjust my focus on the aim of my spiritual walk and the people around me with the same goal.
Constantly having to remind myself not to look at men, and look only to God.

to be honest, this feeling, it isn’t new. I’ve been through this before, and I know I’ll make it out cos there’s God.

 

on a more positive note, I had a great time at the #HomeTeamFestival2015 last Saturday

 having fun with the SCDF hats (some hansum random policeman)

 Your protector, My brother.    you may call me ma’am. (I think I actually got the mata look eh)
we’re stuck with each other forever

#5evasisters

hallo there

rly sorry i havent been blogging this past two weeks, which was also the last two weeks of the school holidays boohoo
so the third school term began yesterday and so far things are going alright if things weren’t going alright, i’ll be worried.

grateful to be able to spend almost one whole week with big bro during the school holidays which is a rare blessing ever since he started his NS. So if you’ve been following my blog, you would have seen my post in Feb about big bro enlisting into the Singapore Police Force and not to forget his POP. Big bro and his squad was activated for duty during the SEA Games and after his last shift on the second last Monday of June, he had the rest of the week off, which was why we could have big bro home for almost the whole week. as of now, he’s in camp. back to training. and i miss him even though things at home have more or less adjusted to his weekly absence.

besides school, there is the starting of the RSC preparation. I entered an essay writing event and it’s an early entry submission and my essay reached the judges yesterday. i shall post my essay on my blog after the RSC is over Feeling excited yet horribly nervous about this entire competition thing. Oh, remember i wrote about a hopefully-to-be trio? We added one more guy and it has become a quartet. My doppelganger is officially our ‘boss’, she arranges practices and then i pass on the scheduled time to the other two guys. I really enjoy the practices cus I’m the one at the piano directing who’s gonna sing which part and how their part sounds like and it’s my dream to be able to form a vocal choir and direct it myself. excuse me big dreams coming your way It’s really amazing how the sound comes out from 4 different voices to create a beautiful sound and ahhhh i’m always so so happy when we harmonize and the sound turns out perfect haha

Anw, hope everyone’s been doing good.
Have a good evening!

love, jo

👨👩👮👧👦👶

It’s been a great day for me ^~^

So in the afternoon, it was badminton trials. School can only send 3 of each gender but for girls, there were 5 of us that selected the event. My buddy had an automatic spot cus she’s good but me and and older girl was supposed to play against 2 other girls. I was rly nervous cus I had no inkling of the girls standard. When I reached the badminton court, I was told that one of the girls I was supposed to match with pulled out so I just had to play against one. As the saying goes, all’s well that ends well, I soon discovered the nervousness I felt was totally unnecessary and I secured myself the second spot on the female’s badminton team within 15 minutes. 

I was doubtful about securing a spot at first but. lesson learnt here: You can only vanquish your inner demons when you yourself are convinced of your own worth.

Next great thing.

Today. Is. Big. Bros. POP!   Unfortunately, they didn’t get to put up their marching performance cus of the rain. We were vacated from our seats after about an hour of sitting with no action. (We got there about an hour earlier.) we were moved to another place but in the end I felt it was nice we got to see him up close in his full u, and watch close up as they shouted “POP+(yo/oh/o)!”

 Then it was dinner and we met some of my bros squad mates.

One of them came over to chat with big bro, and pointing to me and my siblings, he asked, “Your siblings? Family?” To which my bro replied, “Yeah, my sisters, brother, parents.” 

The squad mate nodded in acknowledgement and said 4 words that made my chest swell with pride, “Your brother is awesome!”   And yes, he is 💞 sorry my big face

Much love for the most handsome SG police corporal in the world 😘 

He’s back! (:

It’s been a day since big bro booked out.
When I finally saw big bro, I hugged him so tightly. I missed him so much.
He told us a lot of stories about his 10 days in the HTA, about his buddies, training and all.
He brought back a bag load of smelly PT kits and number 3s the name for police uniform tho 😂
But they were all washed on the night he came back and all hung to drip dry except for the PT shorts.
They were all dried by today and I ironed the number 3s in the evening. Felt so proud that my beloved big bro would don this blue uniform that represents the force that keeps Singapore safe and secure.
He’ll be booking in tmr evening but it won’t be so sore because this coming week, he’ll get to book out on Wednesday instead of Friday! Cus Wednesday is CNY eve and everyone is gonna have reunion dinner. So he’ll be with us from Wednesday till Sunday evening, spending CNY with us (‘:

Really really missed him. Ps I think we kinda look alike here, at least our smiles look alike, tho much apologies that I look gross and he is blurred in the pic

IMG_8557-0.JPG

ps this was posted on the 14th of Feb, idk what I did and this post got deleted das why I’m reposting it today lul