oceans of me

They take a fiendish delight in breaking broken hearts.

I come to write here just so I don’t lose myself, it’s a physically stabilising factor for me.

I like to think I’m an ocean;
Something too deep to know itself fully.
Something full of undiscovered life and deadness.
Something that heals others while being destroyed, yet still lives on gracefully.
Something that maybe no one actually really needs;

who in respectful, lonely silence, observes from afar the glorious moments of others, such as of a human on his knees before the woman who holds his heart, and not only happy moments, but also willingly take in the sight and sounds of a body, broken, full of tears, coming to her bosom to weep;
who is tasked to carry the darkest secrets of others, innumerable, safely buried forever, deep in her black heart;
who is full of roaring energy, alternating her ebbs and flows, between bursting with childish passion, crashing the best of her against lifeless nothings and a gentle demure demeanour, tamed and reflecting nothing of herself, only the majesty of the sun’s rays at daybreak, just because she hopes, she breathes, she lives;

who in fury, is only allowed to tremble beneath the surface, bearing all the emotions that others lacked, not born with it.
and no one ever sees, or think it matters, when her heart splits open in an inability to hold in her agony.

they say, she’ll get over it.

after all, she’s just an ocean.

//
I’m an ocean, I’m a sea
There’s a world inside of me.

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Thursday Thoughts: I am Sorry.

{ I don’t know what to do with apologies }

It’s kinda sad when people hurt you and apologize and now the onus is on you to painfully and more carefully hide how it all still hurts. No, it shouldn’t be this way.

–// Take a plate. Drop it.
Watch the shattered pieces decorate the floor.
Collect the broken shards.

Now, apologize to it.

There. It is fixed. //

We’ve all been taught by our parents to apologize when we are in the wrong and to graciously accept apologies from those that wrong us.
While I still agree with that rule, however, to a certain extent, I no longer believe an “I’m sorry” is applicable to severe offences.

It seems to me that an offer of apology serves to only ease the conscience of the offender…
and does nothing to help the wounded…
Does it not?
–/ I hear so many hearts breaking //

That is why, in some cases, I do not believe an apology is worth anything.

Sure, it is a valid courtesy. But still, sadly, and too often, a courtesy too late.

One day, I will teach my own children the importance of saying sorry, but I will also teach them that some hurts created are too deep that not even a hundred apologies accompanied with “Please forgive me” cards attached to a thousand red roses can ever reverse the damage.
I will tell them how their own mother’s youth-hood was drowned with blood and tears and many fears because she was weak and foolish enough to let people’s words stab her heart a million times over.
I will show them my scars and tell them how I wish for them to be strong people, that will not easily let some outsider’s brusque discouraging actions and words affect their heart.
But if and when it does, I understand, and oh my beautiful child, it is okay.
They can climb into my bed in the middle of any night at any time and I will hold them till their shoulders stop shaking, until their tears dry.
I will remind them to be always careful of what they say, and how much I hope and pray that they never be found guilty of killing someone’s soul or spirit with quick, sharp tongues that shoots careless words.

So if you know you’ve hurt me deeply, show me with your actions that you’re truly sorry.
If you have apologized, I truly admire the humility and courage you had put together to do so and thank you.

But if you haven’t, don’t.

Don’t apologize.
It’d only make me cry cos I’d feel so lost. And I don’t want to feel that way.

Don’t apologize.
Please.

I wouldn’t know what to do with it.

Saturday Series: Sensitively Senseless

I know you’ll never treat yourself right darling, but I want you to//

I’m done with people judging me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t tell when they do.
nice from far, but far from nice.

I don’t get how people have so much time to judge other people when their own lives are a complete mess hurhur –/fix yourself first, human, before you fix another.

How does a sensitive person cope in a senseless world
Where human communication is sent in electric joules that burns nerves to kill each other,
Where the heartbroken breaks hearts for a living,
Where respect is only found in the unending rows of names of the dead, carved in marble and granite.

–/ it’s safer for your gentle heart to stay broken

[ Saturday Series ] ; Bona fide

[Bona fide]
ˌbəʊnə ˈfʌɪdi/

adjective

1. genuine; real.

I am not interested in going out of the way to make friends with people just because they’re good-looking or famous or considered cool. Those that are always in the limelight are showered with a ridiculous amount of attention and love, I don’t want to be part of that crowd.

But I am interested in the people neglected and forgotten by the world.

I’d rather choose to be beside the abandoned, desolate, decrepit souls of the world, giving them what I can give of the love that they have always deserved.

I don’t want to be someone that people have to try to or even feel a need to impress for whatever reasons I don’t care.

I don’t want indifferent, I don’t want cool.

I want genuine.

I want honest.

I want to be someone who reminds people that are around me of their worth.

finding a sparkle in the black night sky

maybe there is something beautiful in being broken.
I’m not talking about pity parties. It’s about knowing that what’s happened has happened, and about learning to look at things in a different way. Sure, living with this hurts for such a long time, you get ‘attached’ to them.

Life isn’t all about yourself.

Life is about learning to love, let go, and live, knowing that living life in itself already is a blessing and because you are blessed, to go out and bless someone else.

It’s about finding the beauty in a storm, rainbow in the rain, a spark in the dark.

And after all, I believe there is beauty in the ashes.