integrate or disintegrate 

Ah. Beautiful ashes almost turned into beautiful dust.

I’ve almost forgotten I had a blog. This is ridiculous I love writing why did I even stop

//

How has 2017 been treating you? what am I talking about ew gross I hate this 

How has 2017 been treating me? That’s much better

It’s been fantastic, never been better, wrote a couple of tunes collab with pre-written lyrics during 2 weeks of Feb and recorded them at a makeshift ‘studio’. I can say i’m a legit singer songwriter now. However, I write songs no one listens to 🙂

나 정말미쳤나봐..

.

Honestly, truthfully, without a trace of lying, quite frankly and to be forward, it’s like I’m walking with mist surrounding my feet. “Where am I headed to, what am I going to do, what is going to happen to me”, it seems the only answer I get is rebounding echoes of my own steps that reproach me and are threatening to overwhelm and confuse me.

( “You write so beautifully. The inside of your mind must be a terrible place.” Love this quote to a million smithereens.)

Side note: It is a terrible place, my mind, that is and I’ll never share it with anyone I love.

//

Trust. Have faith. Be patient. 

It’s probably my fault, having heard those phrases over and over, that they seem mindless and empty at this point of time and they slide off my back, or rather, ears for that matter.

It’s not that it’s lost its meaning, definitely not. I think it’s just spoken too much by people who don’t even mean it sometimes; I declare myself guilty of this grievous charge.

. Mindless. Empty. Spare me your despising thoughts and grant me some place to breathe out reasonable fear.

Fear that I am going down a path I should not, fear that I will never return, fearing if I am sure I am doing the right thing.

I do not want to go with the flow. I want to live in His will.

And if only it was all written down where I can read, I would gladly follow it all to the very end.

“it’s when they’re dying, wilting, that’s when the flowers are most beautiful.”

#joannatanquotes

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Welcome back, Joanna.

Hey guys, been really inactive on my blog, much apologies to those who continually check back to my site yes I can see the visitor logs on my stats lol 😁

Have been toying with the idea of organizing my posts and start posting on a regular, predictable basis instead of the as and when, when I feel like it I’ll make a post kind of thing. Chucked the idea aside a year ago because I didn’t want any obligations to tie me down. But new year means new responsibilities and so yeah, changes heading this way. well, hopefully.

Regular posts would mean every Thursday that’s my only precious week day that has a free afternoon you can expect a Thursday Thoughts, some wickedly long or super short post about the random things I’ve been thinking about.
Or/And (maybe) Saturday Series of poems/ short feely paragraphs I author during the week when I get those rare writer’s inspiration moments.  I used to write alot but one day I stopped 😐 and the habit never really came back to me 😐 Except in bits and pieces and here and there, the writer’s block hasn’t really left me since then

Then there’ll be the unpredictable posts, when I have spare time and have something interesting to talk about, I’ll shoot.

But anw, more importantly, I hope my blog will evolve into something that you guys can interact and be active on and a blog that produces posts that people actually look forward to reading haha 😂 quite sad if majority of my followers end up being ghost followers 😥
Will finalize the list of regular posts to look out for by next week. Three cheers for me

Much love to all my followers and have a great weekend!
And to anyone who needs a gentle reminder to keep on trying and not give up: Failures do not define who you are but rather what you do when you fail. Keep your chin up, the sun will rise and we will try again 😌

move along

After receiving information about people who were (maybe still are) unhappy over posts I made two years ago, I have cleared out almost all the posts that was made in 2013, the year this blog was started. Actually clearing out some old posts has been on my mind for quite awhile just hadn’t gotten around to doing so until now; no hate for the haters in my choice for doing so, just taking the opportunity to tidy up my blog. 

Those who have been around with me since the start of the my blogging journey would remember my blog was first called the P.K.s talk. It was originally created with the intention for it to be a public platform for me to rant about the downside of being a preacher’s kid, documenting things that horribly nasty people (some of whom have left the church) had done or said to hurt me and my family, or if it was a good day, i would give a detailed account of a happy Sunday at church.

As a then 14-year-old, I was forced to grow up quickly as a ministry kid, rudely awakened to the cruel fact that people who said they were Christians didn’t mean that they were angelic beings who could never sin, but in fact who sinned a lot and who hurt people in life and those in church would especially (maybe even purposely? idk) hurt their pastor along with his family. Having being treated unfairly and having seen how rude and nasty some Christians could be, i discovered that a very very healthy way to vent my inner frustrations that i would have never dared to verbally voice out + complain about some people/ situations as a ministry kid in real life on a blog was a splendid idea, and till today, i don’t think i regret beginning this journey.

2 years have since passed, and with enough maturity to let the past remain the past, I renamed my blog “the beautiful ashes”, the name coined from Isaiah 61:3 KJV “To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.” with the belief that “the experience of our lives, when we let God use them, become the mysterious and perfect preparation for the work He will give us to do.”, and that the ashes from a life can be turned into something beautiful in the Saviour’s hands.
I guess occasionally I may still gripe and groan about unreasonable people in church, in my circles, but as far as I am concerned, I am moving on, you may hate on my posts made in 2013 or hate me even and I’m regretful you feel so, but I am not going to let you chain me to 2013 to be a prisoner of the past.

Whether you like it or not, I am moving forward.

Pre-Regional Student Convention: Sunday, 23rd August, 2015

Had church in the morning, my mind was all over the place, the excitement all building up.We boarded the coach at aroundd 1.20pm and began our approximately 6 hour journey.


  When we passed the SG and M’sia customs, we ran to the toilets (we were needing to pee so badly  just kidding I don’t know why we even ran but lol) and I didn’t know my bag was unzipped and my pencil case fell out. It was only after I boarded the coach again, one of our guys handed me my stationery bag and asked if it was mine. I was like 😱 yes where did you even find it. He said it dropped from your bag when we were running to the toilet. My heart skipped a beat. My bag unzipped. And my Passport. My. Passport. Was. Inside. I checked frantically and fortunately, thank God, it didn’t fall out. We stopped once for a short toilet break and another time for dinner. We had burgers at Burger King.

Jan, Kat, Naomi and me!

 waiting to board the coach after dinner

  Reached Shaftsbury Serviced Suites at about 7.30pm.

 My roommates, Naomi, Kat, and Jan, were all keen on going for a swim but we had to settle some admin stuff with our supervisor. Okay I’ll admit we were horrible and rushed our rather stressed out supervisor with all the admin stuff we had left undone so that we could go for a swim. We finished it up in like 20 minutes and headed to the pool. We weren’t rly sure if the other schools participating in the RSC were there already so we were pretty grateful for the darkness of the night that partially hid our faces from any curious onlooker peering at a group of laughing girls splashing and jumping into the pool. After the swim, we went back to the room (not before discovering how inconvenient it was because each room was only given one key card that allowed access to the lift lobby, to press the level you wanted to go to, and to open your room door. ONE CARD for a room of 6 people. If you didn’t have the card, you had to run ard and find the person. If the person who had the card was upstairs in the room and you were at the lobby, the person had to come down and pick you up with the key card cus you have no way to press the lift level without the tapping the key card on the card reader.) and we had a shower. Had a brief run through of the next day’s programme with our supervisor and we all slept rather early that night because we all knew the next day was gonna be the Beginning of everything.


    all the girls and female sponsors and supervisors!! 😍

Countdown to the Regional Student Convention: 3 days to departure (!!)

Today was the last day of rehearsals in school. Rehearsals started at 12pm and I just got home like half an hour ago? It’s 7.30pm rai now and I’m half dead. 

I haven’t packed any thing for the 5 day trip and AAHHH so stressed! 

For one, I’m fairly relieved of the quality of my photos that I sent to print out for the photography competition and I’m hoping my scenic or still life category will earn me a medal. 

I’m feeling rly jittery alr all the pent up nervousness UGHH I’m like 101% sure I’m going to cry halfway during the student convention cus I’ll be so stressed and my heart can’t take it. On a serious note, Im abit worried about my health specifically my heart/ lungs/ breathing(lol this sound like an old person talking since when do 16 year old girls worry about heart problems). Had sudden sharp pains in my chest around my heart area starting yesterday and today it happened a few times. What if I die in Malaysia 😱 haha guess I’ll just put it down to the high level of stress and nervousness I’m feeling. 

Boy, so maany maany things to do ADui 

Oh GReaT I just remembered. I’m teaching chapel on Sunday. 

Rushing down to khatib immediately after church for lunch and meeting the school team at 1.45pm, CAnNOt BE LaTE AH said my supervisor, bus leaves at 2 sharp, and its a 6/7 HoUR JOurNeY. 

Haven’t got my shampoo, conditioner, need to wash my school polo tee, the clothes I need to bring and ouhmy, the BLAck SOcKS. OUHMY. I.NEEDA.BUY.SOCKS.MY.SAINTED.PANTS.I.FORGOT.ALL.ABOUT.MY.SOCKS. 

AND.AAAAHHHHH.MY.STOCKINGS.I.FORGOT.TO.GET.IT.FROM.MY.SUPERVISOR. 

I forgot so many things GOodBYe no time to continue this blog post alr 

down but never out 

hello to whoever comes and visits this lonely corner. Haven’t been blogging cus school started (beginning of July) and the prep for competition at the end of August is stepping up and it’s super stressful. On one hand, I’m really looking forward to participating in this convention but on the other hand, I’ll be glad when it’s over cus it’s rlly stressful to be running up and down for different practices and having to keep in shape for different events like (for me), badminton, table tennis, quartet singing, piano solo and duet. Going to the learning center-school is an experience that will stay with me for a long long time, if not forever. Although the ratio of foreigners to locals are like 5:1 and there are some weird people, I feel it’s rly fun to be part of a school, like a group of students. 

on a different note, cus life’s rlly hectic now, tiredness has been a faithful companion to me for as long as training and stuff started. And when I’m feeling tired, having negative people, negative talk, around me isn’t helping at all and sometimes I feel rly hypocritical at times, having to put on some kind of act that I’m fine and that I’m doing well when I am not. With negativity assaulting me, it’s hard not to think negative thoughts and then I slip back into the old pessimistic way of thinking, it’s like a vicious cycle. Trying hard to stay positive and get myself back on track on many things, for example, spiritual stuff and also be more disciplined in my personal life. 

Hope life’s been kind to all my sweet followers out there. Keep smiling while you brave the storms in the wild world. 
Love, Jo. 

Thorn-filled thoughts

Thinking, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the past few days. I’m not having the time of my life currently. It seems as though I’m carefully counting each steps I’m taking. One wrong step and everything falls apart. And I’m not even kidding when I say everything.

There are things I’ll never do to people, because I know how much it hurts, and I don’t want them to feel the same cos I love them. But sometimes, loving someone might really just mean leaving them alone. It’s so hard, but it’s the right thing to do. I don’t know if it’s just me, but these few days I find myself staring at people. And when I stare at them, it’s as though I could see their sadness. Or all I could see in people were sadness. Why must we be so sad?

We wear a mask over ourselves, hiding what we really are and what we really feel, unconsciously. Because we think that if we keep telling ourselves we’re happy and contented, one day we’ll be. But what a big big mistake. I’ve been doing this for so many months, and still I feel so empty and sad. It’s like I could count the days I truly felt happiness and the days amount to zero.

Honestly, I don’t know what to feel anymore. Maybe I don’t wanna feel. All these drama, watching all the people I love take one step further and further away from me. Maybe they’ll be happier this way, without me in their life. It’s so unfair, sometimes I think I need people more than they need me. It’s like everyone could do just fine without my presence. And the only way to prove myself wrong would be to die, but it could possibly prove myself right too. What irony.

this is exactly how I’m feeling right now. Past few days, I’ve been keeping everything to myself. I haven’t spoken about my feelings to anyone because I figured things are so much better off this way. I had the habit of turning to my friends for help everytime I’m feeling low, but it’s as though this negativity is consuming me so much I feel like everyone is annoyed and irritated. I know one day I’ll explode, if so, just let me be.

-A blessed nuisance