summertime sadness

there’s no need to be, but it’s okay, perfectly okay, to be afraid of your pain//

if you could read my mind, you’d be in tears.

On days in my self-labelled ‘dysthymic dimension’, my mind becomes a non-stop boombox with echoes of a million versions of my voice bouncing off the walls of every corner of my body. One ricocheting thought hit me square in my stomach and sent me reeling more in shock than in pain when i realized how awfully lonely it was to be a container of all these thoughts and fears with no one else to hear it but me.

I don’t think I could be honest to share all my thoughts to one person, always depositing an amount of words here in one body and there in another;
torn by an inexplicable fear to open up to someone before my thoughts swallow me whole.

I collapse into what I call a foldable version of myself. I only open my true self up once in awhile to people I feel comfortable with and even then, the words i say are sprinkled with generous amounts of “i-don’t-know-but”s, “maybe-it’s-just-me”s, all the while stuttering as I speak.
but they can’t hear me stammer if i write.

And writing here, for awhile it was a relatively safe haven.

Safe for awhile until you know adults print out your writings here to share with other predators to satisfy their pleasure of finger-pointing, to judge you, criticize you.
So i was thrown into a worrying frenzy once again and I can’t remember when ‘safe for awhile’ was anymore.

Beginning to wonder why people wants to know about you, wonder why would people even want to know about you.

Wondering why people stupidly make countless plans so they can feel stable without actually being stable, why folks only celebrate for those that follow behind them and tell the rest that don’t they’re on their own, when they tell you they want to support you then turn around to say you’re not independent enough, when even family doesn’t feel familiar anymore.
And I know I’ve always been different, have been seeing things so differently from everyone else ever since I can remember.. don’t know if that makes me crazy but i think i know now why I feel the way i do.

Certain days I think I would go to a psychologist and beg to be diagnosed with some kind of unidentified form of anxiety or depression, classified as some sick person, just to give myself an explanation on why yesterday my head swam with intrusive thoughts, just to assure myself that the reason why I didn’t mind wildly walking across whole roads with traffic of big construction trucks without looking left or right last week isn’t my fault.
It would be easy, not easy for those who bagged the best scholarships, but easy for someone crazy like me,
so i think when the weather is right, when it fits me just right, I might whisper a contented goodbye somewhere high up as close as can be to my favorite sky, with no one by my side.

It is a fact that this doesn’t bother me every single day. and I don’t stretch my down times.
There are days when I am really fine and I don’t even think of these things and I’m really happy and bursting with hope and eagerness for all the future holds for me. It doesn’t bother me every day, but sometimes that’s what scares me more, the unpredictability of when my insecurities, my anxieties, will catch up with me and then I’m not sure i’ll make it through the whole process of struggling again.

Psalm 27:1 KJV The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

Maybe He makes me weak to teach me that He is strong.

So I will hold on to Him for as long as He holds on to me.

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may the skies

I keep thinking of Monday’s blue fluorescent evening skies,
it was almost as if they were wearing a kind of film-worthy filter in real life.
I thought i’d take my phone out and take a snap for remembrance’s sake.. but i grimaced then, and now again, thinking of how my camera quality would only ruin the memory. I chucked the thought aside and looked at them some more…

 

some things are too beautiful to hold in hand:
and those things that would have been jinxed by touch,
are carried forever by the mind and heart.

pretty in pain

There was a seemingly endless scroll of dusk, gently painted over with a candescent pinkish hue.
Skies on fire. Almost as if they were consuming themselves with an unknown vengeance.

I stood underneath them, and I began to wonder if perhaps the skies could feel, perhaps they did, and at that very moment were convulsing over an unspeakable turmoil within them. And they were well aware of me, standing where i was beneath them, blissfully ignorant.
The chaos churned among them and yet, I could look at them and smile with child-like delight, fascinated by the palette of passionate colors, a product of their pain.

And in my mind I penned a note to them:

dear sky,
how are you so pretty like this?
are you struggling? is it painful?
you’re not the only one.
but maybe you should know that you are more fortunate than others;
at least you look pretty in pain.

time to trust

i don’t know where to start. my mind is almost tangled up like an i dont know what even.
funny how i seem to always go back to writing only when i feel confused, lost.
turned 19 on 1st Jan. another year to live, another year to learn, another year of  struggling, perhaps harder than ever before. im beginning to guess that some things in life won’t really get much better.

waiting in silence, His silence, sounds like an easy task. but not for me.

courage, to do something despite your fears.
it’s sad how people laugh and look the most happy when they’re most afraid.
almost as if they’re trying to hide, to put on their best smiles so no one will think of lifting their cover and find out what a quivering mess lies underneath.

i find silence amusing. should the solitude guarantee me sanity or bring me to insanity? find myself often elapsing into periodic silence, wandering into frightening daytime nightmares; it makes me dizzy sometimes & i wonder if you can see me self-destruct.
still my soul, if i should fear.

you’ll never win if you quit now, i tell myself.
drawing with silver is not for you, and you’re afraid of heights. im not sure if being honest like this helps, most people avoid and shun talking about this, i guess they dont know what to say, i dont really know what i’m looking to hear either.
we’re all in the sea, but i’m the only one who doesn’t know how to swim.
but i’ll keep trying, till i can’t do it anymore.
you’re at least working hard in living, if not anything else

on train and bus rides to my temp job, i often fall into fits of musings. the world has become a scary place, all the hundreds of bodies milling around, moving, churning, living. and no one knows how fearful i am of them, trembling as i step into their world.

but i am thankful for this fear, again and again, it drives me back to the arms of Christ. He is very near, very real, and i need Him every hour.
He gave me life and so i shall live strong, not in my courage, but in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. i cannot turn from Him.

 

Faith is unutterable trust in God. A trust which never dreams that He will not stand by me.

Faith never knows where it is being led. But it loves and knows the One who is leading.

 

 

instead of wishing you all a happy new year, i wish you all a meaningful one. life won’t be always happy. but it can be meaningful, no matter how slowly the days and months crawl by only to tear your heart apart, it is meaningful with Christ in your vessel.

they call this forever: part 2

I will stand by you, and I will choose to love you. For better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health;
when i wake up next to you and hate the trailing breeze of your morning breath as much as i hate mine; no matter how many times you leave tissue in pockets of the pants you threw in the laundry and the bits get stuck in my washing machine, even if the food you make is salty enough to preserve me perfect in the grave and beyond; even all the petty tiffs and shouting matches doesn’t change the way I love you because honey, i made my vow to you that day and it still stands.
I will stand by you. And I will choose to love you. It’s till death do us part, when your hands are cold no matter how long i hold it, when you no longer make an effort to push back that curly lock of fringe that always falls in your face.
And even that doesn’t mean i’ll stop loving you. “

people love second-hand sales, garage sales. you find unburied treaures everywhere, the pre-loved tea-pots, grandma blouses, perfect blue heirloom china. the old-fashioned things do get our attention, at least mine. those quaint antiques, it gets my attention, all of it.
and naturally, the old-fashioned love, i pay much attention to it.

like my parents.

papa and mama had a videographer for their wedding thank God and i love watching that old cd. and seeing the old photos that records their big(gest) day.
faded mementos of favorite memories.
they celebrated 22 years of marriage last week.
22 years of staying beside each other, caring for each other, and diligently loving each other.
diligent because it is a choice.
diligent because some days, it takes effort to choose to love.
diligent because this choice to love is an everyday thing.
(and too many people are horribly lazy these days)

i used to wonder if i could stand being together with anyone for the rest of my life.
“Love is a choice”, papa wisely told me, “I made a vow and I will keep it. There is no one else and there will be no one else better for me.”
i learn that it’s not being tied down, it’s not being trapped. it’s a free decision.

people call this old-fashioned.

i love the look in mama’s eyes when she talks about the happy yesteryears. I asked her mama why she married papa. She says she married papa because he was spiritually minded and she knew he could lead her spiritually. She had many suitors, but they were not inclined to spiritual things as was papa. and she chose papa, to love another while in the love of God.

people call this old-fashioned.

22 years of being together, sure, there were days of massive volcanic rumblings and days that hail, fire and brimstone threatened to rain. No doubt it was God Who kept them together.
but there were happy days. when their smiles were as bright as when they first linked arms and the whole world cheered for them, when nothing else mattered except having each other.

this ‘old-fashioned’ forever, a God-fashioned forever.

it’s my kind of forever.
& i want this forever.

 

they call this forever.

“I love you in your good moods, when your laughter sounds like the tinkling wind chimes I got on my 9th birthday. And when your eyes sparkle, i swear they could be more beautiful than the all the star-studded galaxies put together. And I love you, i love you in your bad times, bad mo-/ I’m sorry … I…don’t seem to be able to do that.”

If we could be honest with ourselves like that, maybe then we wouldn’t be the mess we are today, wouldn’t need to break ourselves a thousand times over in this lifetime.  maybe it’ll help, to be honest for once. Because it hurts you, honey, it hurts me. and it hurts more than we care to know.

The first time it feels like stitches, the pain that ferociously assaults your side when you were finely striding along just a second ago.
Then all of a sudden you’re wheezing hard like a strangled beast, gasping for breath, for air, for relief.
-//
it comes in waves, the pain and the relief, the joy and the madness. They alternate its cycles, we could almost figure out their pattern if we tried hard enough. then we could avoid this bitter rollercoaster altogether, could we not?

and love.
you’re hurting. and so am I.

it’s all fading when you begin to count the days and months instead of when you used to call that day the ‘first time we…’.
and you realize it does fade. time always does this trick, he isn’t a nice old man we concoct him to be in our fantasy. no, he doesn’t let you catch your breath. he rushes people right along, whether they like it or not.
and if you’re fortunate enough, he lets you pause just long enough to notice that the leaves have swapped their fashion to match the season.
in just another moment, they fall like awkward oversized confetti in the still air.
and in a time lapse, you see the green veiny thin things spiralling upwards, swept by the winds of change.

they land very unceremoniously, forming crunchy messes in spaces of mindless cement.
one more heap of useless nothings.

so, will we end that way?

 


sidenote: i haven’t had much writing inspiration lately but tonight all the words fell into place.
also im not in a relationship, thought i’d need to clarify.

“she puts her heart on paper. then the paper turns to gold.”
– joanna tan, 2017.

breathe 

Leave her alone. 

It’s okay for you to walk with big people steps, but you forget the distance gets too big for the little one to catch up.

Sometimes you all forget she’s the young one, forget that she just started to grow, forget she’s weak. You all are so cruel to forget that you all gone too far ahead for her to catch up, making her trip on your feet when she desperately quickens her pace to keep up, besides tripping on her own.

Please don’t forget she’s the young one. She’s the weak one. She doesn’t want to march in time with your big people steps already because her knees are bleeding.

So leave her alone while you all go play your big people games, talk your big people talk and run your races.

The little one needs to catch her breath.

Oh, I’m sure she’ll get up soon, but this time, she’ll run on her own.